Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Ohio (440)

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  eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(

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  just blow him with soup in your mouth.

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  (440): eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :( (1-440): just blow him with soup in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/7jjb
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  why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

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  you have got to be kidding?

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  (440): why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex. (1-440): you have got to be kidding? http://tfl.nu/stk6
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  he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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  (440): he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever. http://tfl.nu/ykgr
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  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

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  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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  (440): Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it? (1-440): because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even? http://tfl.nu/6ni1
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  im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs

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  (440): im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs http://tfl.nu/wg4t
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  made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.

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  (440): made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is. http://tfl.nu/etmn
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  Really stoned

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  just sent my roommate on a cheese run

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  (440): Really stoned (440): just sent my roommate on a cheese run http://tfl.nu/tnbw
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  We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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  (440): We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night. http://tfl.nu/4khi
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  so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

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  (440): so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport" http://tfl.nu/at20
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  oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?

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  (440): oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill? http://tfl.nu/149i
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  I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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  (440): I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life. http://tfl.nu/cd1e
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  My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

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  (440): My astrological sign? Vagitarius. http://tfl.nu/0z0j
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  wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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  (440): wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant http://tfl.nu/01g1
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  i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

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  (440): i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime http://tfl.nu/8e5t
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  I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.

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  (440): I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot. http://tfl.nu/w3xr
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