if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
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A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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