I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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