every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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