remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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