just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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