Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Drunk is a universal language darling
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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