I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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