I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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