"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
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He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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