what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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