I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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