Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize