i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
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I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
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Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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