Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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