So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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