I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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