..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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