Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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