Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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