I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
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Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
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There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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