addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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