i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
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Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So vagazzling was a success
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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