So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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