I think I died a long time ago.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
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I just found puke in my bra..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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