I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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