I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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