Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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