I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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