My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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