You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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