I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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