I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I die, sorry about rent.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize