I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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