Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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