Michael Bay diarrhea
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
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MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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