you're like a bully in the Christmas story
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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