Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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