i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
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My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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