I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
