he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
3pm strippers are depressing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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