DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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