he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
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she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
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How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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