Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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