3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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