Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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