The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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