I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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