Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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