I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize