gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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